I came out about being a lesbian. I honestly.. really.. 100% thought I was. then tonight one of my closest guy friends just kissed me and it was just like in the movies. I actually felt something. I haven’t felt anything in so fucking long. and it wasn’t like the “sparks” like I have before. It was so much liek the movies in the way where.. he kissed me and i leaned away and it was just a peck. then he tried again, same thing. Then he was just like “you’re holding back. just kiss me.” and I was like “my mouth tastes like pizza!” and he said he didn’t care.. so I just kissed him to shut him up. I didn’t expect anything. then.. i actually felt something. everything slowed down and i felt like it lasted like 10 seconds, but it probably only lasted like 2. I felt afraid of it so I pulled away. I just kind of laughed it off and gave him a hug and walked back inside. Now my mind is racing and I don’t know what to think. Do you understand how many people will judge me and make me feel like shit if i’m like “OHAI GUIZE i know i just said im a lesbian but now i have a boyfriend!” like.. omg. that would suck. but.. i don’t know. and what if i get really fucking hurt? i just.. FUCK. i don’t know. I don’t think I’m ready for this. Then, on top of all the shit.. I’m still confused about Amber and Marina. Like.. i really like amber and she is so amazing and perfect.. but the second marina came back into my life I really just want her back.. it’s so stupid. and i don’t know. everything is so fucked up right now, but it could be worse.
Hey Atisha,
I haven’t talked to you in a while. How have you been? Anything new at all? I must say, you could make the most boring of days sound fun. Also, whenever you ‘like’ one of my posts or something I feel so special, so thank you immensely for noticing me. My days have been changing a lot. I’m getting into the ‘party phase’ that almost everyone gets into. But It’s fun. I’m always the kind of girl that is the life of the party. I’m the one dancing half-naked in tables making all the jokes and cheering on everyone during all the drinking games. It’s fun. I like this side of myself. I’ve never seen it before. Someone unafraid. Someone secure. Someone happy. Someone who lives in the moment, and most of all, Someone who doesn’t give a fuck. Branden, my ex I told you about, he is gone. For good this time, I’m sure. After three years of me giving my every blood cell to this man, he left me for a girl he knew for four days. I’m not even mad or hurt anymore, though. I suppose I thank him. I’m happier without him but I never would have been the one to leave him. He set me free. I’m finding myself. I realize more and more who I am supposed to be and who I am in this very moment, and although I see my faults clearer, I’m accepting them and loving myself the way I am.
I hope you’re happy, Atisha.
K
